Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I get one in, every now and then.

It took a record setting two (2) Winterbrauns before everything cleared-up.  And by "cleared-up," I mean the murky shit-storm that is finals week subsided for a few moments.

Moments of clarity.

Steve Cohen is a fucking legend.

Will the real Steve Cohen please stand up?

Catchy transition, right?  Eminem.  I met this guy (Steve, not Marshall Mathers) in the fall of 2011.  Or was it the Spring of 2012?  I'm not sure. He was there when the school was in its infancy.  He was there when my life changed a bit and he didn't even know that I was sleeping on a couch.  He was there to receive a can of crushed tomatoes as an award for being the funniest.  He always receives the Steven Cohen Lifetime Achievement Award because, if you think about it, how could he not?

He was always there, and maybe, just maybe, he'll be there forever.

We can only hope.

31 Days of (mother fuckin') Movies

I've been following Mr. Cohen's blog very closely.  The name is, to no one's surprise, Comedic Voice of a Generation.  And while the jury's still out as to whether or not this man is aging in Benjamin Button time, we are certain that he is in fact a representative of some generation.  He is a comedic mainstay with a propensity for comics.  He's a writer, a communicator, and a thinker.  He can dance and sing and dance the night away.  All true.

His words jump off the web page in ways that touch me deep, deep down inside.  Sort of like the way that Cohen's insults at work stab me deep down in my heart.  In time, I've gained a respect for this man that is unparalleled in my respect for others in society.  One time, Cohen and I shook hands.  And it was good.

A man of many goals, Steve decided to watch, and review, 31 different movies in as many days.  Surely, with Steve being a connoisseur of cinema, I expected to know nothing about any of these films.  After 10 days, my prediction remains true: I don't know shit about movies.

But when one does not know shit about movies, one turns to an aficionado.  And that aficionado is Steve Mufuggin' Cohen.

Before Midnight

Before Midnight is a movie that I don't plan on ever watching. It has this guy Ethan in it.  Ethan Hawke, or some shit like that. That guy plays this guy named Jesse.  But, as is the case, Ethan was acting, and so Ethan is actually Jesse, but not for reals.  For fakes.   I thought Ethan Hawke was the guy who played Obi-Juan Kenobi in the newer Star Wars movies.  But then someone told me that it's actually Obi-Wan Kenobi, and that he's not Mexican at all, and that it was actually Ewan McGregor, and not Ethan Hawke.  Although Ewan McGregor does not get enough credit for his documentary about riding motorcycles, Long Way Round, which would never appeal to anyone who does not like things involving two-wheels.  Although it might.

Apparently this movie was part of some kind of trilogy, which further led me to believe that Obi-Juan was in play, but again, nothing.  And apparently Ethan changed Jesse, which isn't cool in my book.

"The first thing one notices upon the commencement of the film is how different Jesse is. I don’t just mean physically (though Ethan Hawke does seem to have finally come out on the other side of his gaunt phase). Ethan Hawke’s portrayal of the character has changed as well. Jesse’s voice is deeper here, more gruff. And some of the light in his eyes has gone away. At first I considered this an error on Hawke’s part, but as the film proceeded I started to think twice about this."
(Cue high school English student):
"I really agree with this quote.  I agree with this quote because it shows that he changed.  I think that you should not have to change yerself in order to be someone that yer not.  You dont have to be with no one if you dont want to.  I think that this shows that Jesse doesnt really even respect him, because if he did we wudnt change"
Jesse sound stupid.

A lot of time has passed (nine years, to be exact), since Before Sunset ended.  This is frustrating for me, because I have yet to see both Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.  I don't think that I will see them.

(Editor's Note: it's 12:15 am.  I've three sips of Winterbraun left.  It's no longer before midnight.  Although, if you think about it, it IS before midnight.  That's really tripping me out, man)

What I would've seen in the development of these movies is that Jesse and his chick, Celine (not Dion) have developed within their relationship past the point where everything is cute and fun.  They're past the honeymoon phase, I gather, and definitely past the awkward first-sex entanglements.  So everything was running smooth during the nine-year hiatus, but now we pick up and they're just, you know, totally ok with everything, but not super pumped, and so that's going to draw us in.  Or so I read from Steve:

"By now, the blush is off the rose. Jesse and Celine are no longer acting like their ideal versions of themselves, the way one would at the genesis of a new romance. These two have been together for what might as well (in their minds) be an eternity. Jesse and Celine are at a point where they finally see the reality of who their partner is, but the really cool thing is that the viewer is as well. The three-ish hours that we spent with them prior to Midnight was all pretense. This is where the truth comes out."

He said 'genesis,' so I am inclined to agree.

And as I read through the review, imagining what it would be like to have seen the movie, I started to feel the urge to rent it.  Steve's descriptions of Jesse (not Obi-Juan-Wan) and Celine made me think about the development of my relationship (which is fucking amazing, by the way) and about how maybe watching this trilogy might be fun for a date night.  To watch Jesse and Celine wade through the waters of love and slowly, but surely, expose themselves to each other, something that we all (especially dudes) have a hard time in doing.  The fact that this movie doesn't come across overproduced and over the top makes me feel like it's something that I could get into:

"The fact that the films seem so real and effortless is a testament to his work. Especially in this third installment. Midnight is the most ambitious of the three films, and I think it may be my favorite...If I had any real problem with the film it would be that the ending doesn’t feel perfect. And honestly, what am I expecting? The ending doesn’t feel perfect? Jesus. Standards much?"
What we have here is both an honest interpretation of a seemingly honest movie, and a "much" joke.  And I am fans of both.  If he typed 'mumblecore' I would've lost my fucking brain all over the apartment.  So close, sir.  So close.

The Numbers Do Not Lie
Time for our review of Steve's review that is totally objective and honest and not fueled by beers packing an 8% punch in the ABV department.  But seriously.  Lost Coast was started by two women.  Support your local female operated breweries please.  That's rad.

Steve's Review of Before Midnight: An impossible 6 out of 5 star/asterisk things (command-8 on a Mac).  Nice, dude.

Tom and Kelsey retelling the story of Mr. McLain trying to get the party started, and not realizing that I've heard that story four million times, but still telling it with insane vigor and commitment even though you guys didn't realize that we were fucking with you: 5/5

Before Midnight: 2/5 *'s for not having Ewan McGregor and for not receiving a phone call from that bush-league sunuvabitch Richard Linklater to watch his movies and review them.  That sucks, bro.  Honestly.  And no light sabers or motorcycles.  Weak.

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