I will update this as more gems flow in, with newer quotes on top of the old ones.
As much as I hate the paperwork side of my job, I care for my students a great deal. They keep me in the game. They are wonderful kids that grow up in an area of the city where people literally expect NOTHING of them. It is difficult for them to adjust to people expecting GREAT things from them, but as I approach knowing some of these kids for 2 years, I'm seeing lots of progress in their self-esteem and their ability to work on tasks that are longer and more involved. The rad part of this job is, of course, the fact that my students will say WHATEVER comes to mind WHENEVER it comes to mind. A lot of times, this causes disruption, but every now and then, I have moments where my brain pops out of my head and I realize that the students are just exercising their sense of humor, their joy for life, and their ability to form human bonds with adults. I love my students and I wish them nothing but the best in life. However, I cannot resist writing down the funny shit they say. It's a welcome bonus of my job.
"Hey mister. People got problems w'ch you? I take 'em to the low key spot."
Me: "So...I'm sorry...the low key spot?"
"Ya. You know. It's the low key spot. It's like this place where you go to make a hand off or to beat someone up. Like if you gotta make a hand off you just roll up with like a can of coke and people don't know that you have the top open and that there's money inside and so you hand off the coke and you leave with your lunch bag but no one know's cuz they think you just gettin' lunch."
"Hey mister. MISTER! You're the skinniest heavyweight I know!"
"There's nothing wrong with having a light saber."
"I wish I could go somewhere that is cold with cold water so I could go and swim so that I could go and refresh myself and be cool and go to the liquor store and buy a cold gatorade cuz i'ma bout to be real thirsty."
"Hey mister, my culture is totally firme as shit. Oh shit sorry for cussing. Oh shit my bad, I'll just shut up.......fuck."
Me: "I am going to pause our reading at certain points to emphasize specific words."
Student stands, frozen-still, in the middle of the room.
Me: "What are you doing?"
"You paused me. I'm paused."
"Hey Mister. The factory where my Dad works. They make, like, dollar bill things there. Like, they totally not real or whatever, but like they there. I think they're fake or some shit. But I think you can use 'em, I just think that maybe you might get in trouble or something."
Student singing the American Dad theme aloud as he walks into class: "Good morning USAaaaa, I have a.......oh shit i forgot the rest."
"Hey mister, do you party?"
Me: "Why are you asking me this right now? We're working on the Do-Now."
"Mister I like to party. But what's good is that if you drink a lot while you're dancing corridos, you don't get that drunk, so you can still drive home."
Me: "Aren't you 15?"
"No, I have my learners permit. Plus, I be dancing all night long so I don't even get drunk. I love dancing corridos."
"Mister, I need to leave really quick. Where can I put my bag?"
I point over to a cabinet shelf, which is located next to the trash can by the door.
"Really mister, I don't wanna put it there."
Me: "Just set it down dude, you'll be back in 5 minutes."
Students throws backpack into the TRASHCAN.
"Hey mister, have you ever had a really bad breakup. Has your heart ever been hurt?"
Me: "Yes, I've gone through that before. Are you going through a breakup?"
"Ya. It sucks (starts to cry). She totally cheated on me. She said that she never wants to talk to me again. But I love her. I think I'm going to ask her out again after school."
Me: "I don't think you should do that. Just focus on your schoolwork and hang out with your guy-friends and enjoy your life. Does she even go to this school?"
"No, she goes to a school really far away."
Me: "Well that's nice, at least you don't have to see her everyday. You can make new friends and focus on getting passing grades."
"But I do have to see her every day!!!"
Me: "Whoa. Easy. And why is that?"
"Because I always sketch pictures of her face on my papers."
Me: "Yaaaaaaa, so you should probably not continue doing that because, you know, that's not really healthy.... at all."
"I know. But it hurts so bad. I'm never going to find anyone else. She was my soulmate."
Me: "Ya, well, I mean, you know it's okay to think she was your soulmate. But have you ever thought about how many people there are? You live in the second largest city in America. Okay, so hold up on the crying for a second. I think you'll be fine."
"No, I'm not!! She was my first!! I totally popped her......."
Me: "WHOAAAAAA!!! Aaaaaand we're done. Let's go back inside."
Writing sample: "If I would choice somebody for president I would choice my brother because I know he will say dont do nothing and kick back just go play some ps3 sir."